Fame: A Worldly Posession

When I first started YouTube, I wanted a lot of subscribers.  Not necessarily to be “famous,” but I wanted recognition for my talents, because it would reiterate what I already knew: I was a force with which to be reckoned.  Recently, I have been really pondering over the notion of fame.  When I think about it, fame is nothing more than an unhealthy obsession, like any other, with the exception that it encourages the desensitization of “self.”  Although certain “famous” people do not grant the permission for a “fan” to be obsessed, it is taught, like so many other vices of society, one should seek something outward in order to become fulfilled.

The reason I began pondering the notion of fame, is because I started to see how “worldly objects” created disconnectedness between one’s identified self, and one’s true self.  I would like to take this time to define the term “worldly objects” as anything with which one is not inherently born (i.e. money, cars, houses, etc.).  I began to realize that although I did not want for worldly objects, I wanted fame.  As time continued, and I began evolving, I started to realize I didn’t want fame, either, but I was concerned as to why I would want fame in the first place.

I noticed that although people can justify fame, they still have a hard time discerning judgment of fame with regards to other worldly objects.  In various religions, we are taught not to be “of the world,” yet people idolize and praise leaders in a way that promotes fame.  When this started happening to me, I realized I didn’t feel “good.”  I felt “bad.” (Sidebar: I use quotations to express the terms “good” and “bad,” because I feel that neither exists.  Only “what is” exists, but for lack of better concrete terms, I will use “good” and “bad” henceforth with the same intention).  Basically, I realized I felt bad to have fame, and I felt this way, because it wasn’t of SELF; fame was another worldly object.

The reason fame is a worldly object is because it creates desire (or by example) this idea of judgment (both positive and negative) as a means of fulfillment.  In other words, if no one “likes me” or if everyone “likes me,” then I know how I feel about myself.  In my ever continuing quest for this higher SELF, I realized I had to let go of this intangible worldly object.  I had to realize that any comment, idea, opinion, or any judgment about me for that matter, was “of the world,” simply because it wasn’t of my SELF.  The very definition of the word self prohibits and completely obliterates anything that is not generated from within!  Thus, whatever you don’t proclaim isn’t!  Isn’t that something?

Fame is technically “ok” with a lot of folks with whom I’ve made acquaintance, yet, is it so simply because it doesn’t come in a tangible form?  I’m very pro-SELF, which means I am very supportive of what one feels one should do.  I do not subscribe to the idea that one needs anything outside one’s own SELF.  We come into and leave this world with one thing: SELF.  Our creator can vouch for that!  So, just because one cannot see fame, does not mean that one should want for it. 

In conclusion, I encourage you (and me) to truly get to know what the SELF wants, and feed it.  Let fulfillment be guided by the heart and not the mind (or anything outside of that SELF).  Sometimes, you may not recognize what you want simply because you have not searched for it, but no one defines you but you.  If you know you are a force with which to be reckoned, you need no reinforcement!  You already know it, so what more do you need?  Find SELF, find God, find fulfillment. 

Peace and Peace.

“WOW”! Presence at Last (And Lots of Informality and Smiles)

Let me start this blog post informally: “Ya’ll, all I can say is, ‘WOW’!”

The aforementioned saidJ, I really wanted to dedicate this post to my creator.  I have been literally dying to be reborn.  Day in and out, I had been praying, crying, and quite frankly, confused. 

There was once a time when I knew who I was.  I had to find myself after an abusive relationship and a rocky suburban scholastic adventure.  I had to be alone and new, because my ex-abuser owned the rights to my soul.  He would strip me of all that I could have possibly cherished about myself…so I felt.  The truth was, I just didn’t know or love myself enough to fight for myself, and I became an enabler.  And, although the point of this particular post is not to victimize myself, or even to mention this situation, it was crucial that all of me was destroyed, so that I could start over and find the girl who was underneath the rubble.

When I say I “found myself,” I am merely referring to the idea that one has a true nature, and that one does not know it in the midst of the worldly and outwardly influences (most often), yet, I forced myself to go against those influences.  I did this little by little.  First, I dispelled any myths I learned in this abusive relationship.  Next, I didn’t allow any relationship into my life that was not healthy.  I “found” that I liked who I was naturally, and that my personal salvation was more important than anything else.  So, I did what “found” soul would do – I moved to New York and went for “mine.”  J

New York killed me.  New York destroyed me.  I thought I was happy.  I thought I knew what I wanted, but New York showed me a world far beyond that of my abusive relationship.  

For nearly four years now, I have been pulled, pushed, and beaten by a “friggin’” apple!  Without getting into detail, my hiatus (or many hiatuses), was caused by this world of confusion.  And even though I knew who I was, it knocked me down.  I became more confused.  I didn’t understand how I could be so confused after all that triumph.  I found my soul mate.  I found my perfect city.  I found the perfect “profession.”  “Why, me, God?” I would ask.

I lived in darkness for a long time.  I cried a lot more than I did even when abused.  I wanted to die every day.  Yet, I prayed so hard to get Shira back.  “Why, God, can’t you just give me peace?  If that is all I want, why can’t I have it?  Did I really know Shira, or was she a lie?”  The answer to all these questions was simple: I had all the answers.

I knew this in my heart.  In a way that cannot be articulated, I just knew.  I knew I had found myself once, and I also knew that I was stuck, and needed something else to move.  I knew that I needed to let go of my mind.  In other words, I needed to let the apple envelop me, and kill me.  But I was afraid to die.

***Informal Moment Alert***

Ya’ll, who wants to die?  It’s scary to die!  But we ain’t afraid to die spiritually, we are afraid to die physically!  I realized that I was afraid to die spiritually!  And I realize all this is really figurative and abstract, but try to stay with me here.  I had gone beyond my physical body.  I got so beat up in my mind with all the sadness I experienced, that I didn’t care about my physical self.  I was actually concerned with my mental (i.e. spiritual) self.  Then, the epiphany came!

***Back to the Blog***

 I had to let myself die spiritually, so that I would not be afraid of death…in any sense.  The real death that we experience physically is so fake!  I mean, it is truly an illusion.  We aren’t imprisoned in this body – we are imprisoned in our mind!  Are we afraid to get our face sliced open and feel the pain?  Sure….but I’d be willing to bet we are much more afraid of being “hurt” by another human being.  Why is that?  Because the mind is where the pain is!  The lasting, eternal, formidable pain is in the mind! 

I then asked for this “presence” of which is often spoken.  The Buddha, The Christ, and many other spiritual leaders to this date speak of “presence” as the gateway to peace, love, and joy. 

At the time of my spiritual breakdown, I needed that.  I wanted it.  And I asked relentlessly for it.  I knew (again, in that unarticulated way) that it was the true key.  For me, at least, I had battled in every other fight.  I just needed that piece.  So, I went to my hypnotherapist.

I’d gone to this lady (Mary Casaba) twice before, and somehow, she unlocked my mind from two unhealthy relationships.  I thought, surely, she’d get me this presence for which I yearned.  And I waited.

About a month later, I found myself in the hospital.  I had anxiety so bad I literally did not sleep.  And, as many viewers know, my hair had been falling out.  I will elaborate upon this later, but basically, I left my spiritual self there, and after that, I was reborn!  I had died!  I let myself die, finally!  I did it! 

I don’t know how everyone else does it, but as the saying goes in the “hood,” “Do what you got to do,” or, as the late Malcolm X would say, “By any means necessary.”  And, thank you, God, I got my self back, I am present, and, the only word to articulate my presence, is, “WOW!”

My relationship with “Babydaddy” is on some whole “next level you can’t understand it only he and I have this crazy connection but we can’t even explain it” type of deal, simply because I am present.  Wow.  I will get onto this subject on my videos much later, but I really want this for all of humanity, because, now, I realize my bond with the other beings of life, and we all deserve this feeling.

Get your own back.  Take care of yourSELF.  You will find eventually the want for only the spiritual world.  I no longer want fame.  I don’t seek money.  I don’t even ask for anything, but I just get it.  It is something that can only be described as… WOW.  Follow your inner guide…it is God speaking to you.  And resist as you may, if you seek it, you will one day just let the death happen, and you will be so grateful.  I love you, and if any way I can assist you in your journey, I totally will J

Peace and Peace.

Getting through Life: Two Mountains and a Valley

Lately, I’d been trying to stay afloat in life, feeling like I was constantly drowning.  All of a sudden, I had an epiphany, or, as Oprah says, an “Aha!” moment.  What if I am not meant to stay afloat at all?  What if I’m supposed to drown?  As these thoughts came to me, the quickest analogy upon which I became fixated was that of two mountains and a valley.

We are born “at the top” of one mountain.  Think of the top of a mountain as your being at your freest, happiest, and most peaceful.  What is the primary goal in life?  Getting to the top of the other mountain.  When we are born, we are fully at peace, and fully innocent.  We know not of war, fear, or pain.  Perhaps we know of physical pain, but at that time, it is transient at best.  At this age, time is insignificant, and we have no choices – Not when we are born, not what we can eat, not which religion of which we are a part – NOTHING is a choice at this point.  So how do we get to the top of the next mountain?

Unfortunately, we very quickly begin learning what we are taught – our language, our religion, and even our personality.  We have to learn, because otherwise, we’d be put out!  Many of us learn abuse.  Whether we want to or not, remember, we do not choose.  So, automatically, we begin our descent down the first mountain.  And, we do not go quietly, might I add.  We go with resistance, because it is only natural to stay on top of our mountain…in fact, we are pushed off the mountain!  Once we are pushed (by society and family), we fall.  And as we fall, we resist, but, since we are already falling, we can do nothing about it. 

Society teaches us that we should be on top of a mountain, but what it forgets all too often, is that it pushes us off in the first place!  So if we should be on top of the mountain, then we should know how to get onto the next one after we fall (technically speaking).  Resistance to this free fall makes us fall longer, and hit the valley between the two even harder. 

Think of the valley as “rock bottom” – this is the place referred to with many drug counselors for addicts, but it applies to everyone.  The truth is everyone has a rock bottom, because everyone is pushed.  It is only the enlightened of us who realize what their rock bottom is, and the ascended of us who decide to climb the next mountain.

Many are too naïve to realize that there is a rock bottom, and lie too much to themselves to realize when they’ve hit it.  This is not a verbal attack on anyone, nor is it an “I’m better than anyone” approach.  But I must say, I’ve been blessed to hit rock bottom!  The reality is, finally, I stopped resisting the fall, and realized that if I want to get to the top, I’ve got to fall! 

I think this allowance to fall is a bit of a misleading situation, because it is often perceived as an act of “patience” or “obedience.”  I really believe that falling willfully is neither patience nor obedience, but simply, truth.  Truth means understanding that there is nothing wrong with the fall, even though society leads one to believe otherwise.  And, the reality is, that the only ones who are truly “crazy” or “abnormal” believe they should stay on top of the first mountain, with nothing to gain.  They may not even realize there is another mountain.   They do this not because they live in their truth, but in society’s lies. All of this is a way of holding society back from the eventual realization that trial and tribulation is perfectly normal, and falling is what happens as a result.  Getting to the top of the second mountain is just as difficult as falling, though.

Climbing an actual mountain takes skill.  It takes practice and agility.  No one can climb a mountain from scratch.  Everyone has to do a practice run at the very least.  Here’s the clincher – if one gives up too easily at this climb, then one falls back, unwillingly, to rock bottom.  Only the enlightened thinker realizes that like any other obstacle, practice and preparation is needed, and without either, falling is inevitable (again and again).  To reach the top, one must practice, and realize that practice makes perfect.

I have hit rock bottom.  I know my truth.  I have fallen back many times.  But I have awakened, and I realize that my muscles are getting stronger.  I know the course now.  I have begun so many times to climb the second mountain it is only a matter of time before I master it.  I have to choose to master it, and furthermore, I have to realize with resistance comes a difficult fall.  And one cannot get up from a difficult fall and expect to be strong enough to complete the course without enlightenment. 

So, I say to you all, the way I have to tell myself: Fall if you are falling.  And keep climbing if you are already climbing.  But climb with the knowledge that you may fall.  And fall with the knowledge that you should “fall if you are falling,” and are free to climb after you fall.  These are the tools needed to succeed.  Let’s not try staying afloat this time if we are sinking.  Sinking is a part of the process, and without it, we’d be perfect.  But in an imperfect world, what do we have to gain if we are already perfect?  Nothing.  So let us fall with the knowledge that it is not only okay, but necessary in earning our right to eventual perfection.  We will ascend.  We will reach the top of the next mountain.

Peace and Peace.

Grace in the Courtroom: How to Pick YourSELF Up from Darkness

Whenever we’re down, or at least, whenever I’m down, I usually want comfort, but not advice.  When I really think about it, other people’s advice is like loud noise, whereas comfort is like pure silence.  The sadness I experience in life is sometimes so loud, that I just want people to listen, and the act of listening comforts me.  When people give their advice, sometimes, I realize how little they know about me, and the advice rarely “hits the mark.”  Either way, when I include other people’s judgment into the equation, I rarely feel fully satisfied.  At those times, I realize being alone with God is key to my healing.

The other day, I had a moment where I felt truly alone.  I wanted advice, but I knew I may not have the strength to follow the potential advice that was given.  So, as an instinctive “Cancer” move, I ran.  I ran to Riverside Park, and I sat for four hours – alone.   An hour later, I walked for three hours – alone again.  It appeared that in all that silence, I wouldn’t be able to hear a thing, but the reality was, because I was alone, I could hear everything.

I realized we rarely force ourselves (albeit a blanketed observation) to be alone and think.  What “being alone” and “thinking” truly does, is allows God’s energy take over.  Since there isn’t the confusion of advice that is ill-suited for our individual journey, we can actually hear clearly to apply directions specifically.

It’s not that some miraculous booming voice-over comes from the swathing clouds, but really, our own opinion begins to count for something.  We actually ask ourselves questions, and give ourselves a chance to answer.  What we realize is that we become our own courtroom; Our own judge.  We play out all sides of the story, because we are desperate to find some semblance of truth within our misery.  We have an unyielding need to find an answer that helps us get over the pain.  And what we find is we do come to a conclusion – if we allow ourselves the grace to forgive ourselves. 

When we sit alone, we have to find a way to deal with our situation, so that we do not come back to it broken.  We frantically want an answer, but are not patient or affable enough to simply let go, and forgive ourselves.  Of what do we need to forgive ourselves?  We need to forgive ourselves for being who we are in that moment.  We are in darkness because we have acted in a certain way, but have regret, anger, pity, or a slew of false emotions that we use to punish ourselves for behaving in that way.  And, in a last ditch effort to find the answer (judgment) or to find the guilty party (us or the other person/situation with whom we have interacted), we flee, hoping to find out where to place the blame.

Ultimately, the judge is God, and in the moment of silence, we represent that judge.  The main time we are given allowance to judge is when we are alone!  This is because the only voice in our head besides our own is God’s voice, and so, by virtue of process of elimination, we are the judge of ourselves!  And because we are the judge, we can opt to both forgive our self and the other person.  Very rarely does one sit alone and come back broken…as long as the individual gives their self a fair chance and sufficient time to come to a conclusion.

So, as I go out into the world, I have made this vow:  When in true doubt or despair, I must go be alone in my courtroom.  I must play out the plaintiff’s and the defendant’s sides equally, and I must give my court a fair amount of time to decide the verdict.  I realize in a real court of law, the jury may deliberate for months…so, for as long as it takes for that particular case, I will treat it as a real court of law.  When I come to my verdict, it shall be fair, and most of all, gracious! 

WE will come out victors, because in this court, even the “guilty” are given a chance to be treated fairly. 

Peace and Peace.

Faith: Gratitude for the Future

One facet of “writing it down” that I often seem to forget about, is being grateful. 

Gratitude has an easy textbook definition: [appreciating benefits received].  But, if you notice, the definition is in the past tense.  So, by inference, you can only be grateful after a benefit has been given.   I certainly remember to thank God when I have received a benefit, but what happens when you write something down, and you are hopeful for it, but it doesn’t happen?

As many of you know, my first book club recommendation is Write it Down, Make it Happen, by Henriette Anne Klauser.  And, like many passionate authors, Klauser is thorough – thorough enough to point out the “whys” that occur when something written down doesn’t happen.

Sometimes, the faith that we have in the future, is dramatically defined by the knowledge of the past.  We may have been abused, but by virtue of life experience, we now understand the reason for that abuse, and we become grateful for it.  Yet, in our current circumstance, we may get abused again, but cannot find our way out.  So, in frantic hopes that God will do his “magic,” we write down our vision of being freed from this abuse.  And, in a funny turn of events, we don’t receive reprieve from the abuse.  Why? 

Perhaps the retroactive gratitude displays a wavering faith.  Perhaps true faith lies in the “knowledge” of the future.  Perhaps we so often over-identify with the knowledge of the past, that we forget to acknowledge that which has not yet been given, and in turn, our dreams do not become a reality.

By acknowledging the benefit before it is given, we are stepping off a cliff onto a platform that doesn’t exist [yet]. We are saying that we know our feet will have a place to rest even though we cannot physically see it.  And by being grateful for something that has yet to appear, we are showing faith.

Let me articulate this point further: I am not saying that the platform (per say) will appear as we know it (i.e. the minute we step off the cliff), but it will appear.  For example – we may step off of a cliff, thanking God in advance for the platform.  But because we are truly faithful, we fall several feet before our feet land on a stretch of earth.  We do not become caught up in the illusion that we are falling, and perhaps will plummet to our death.  Or that perhaps during the long fall, we will be scathed and injured.  Instead, because we are truly grateful for and focus on the outcome, the outcome appears, albeit differently than we can conceive with our humanly mind.

The point is, retroactive gratitude isn’t necessarily gratitude at all – it’s just an experience that we are happy to have been given!  Since we have already seen how God moves in our lives, we aren’t showing knowledge of the unseen, because we already saw it!   Of course we are grateful.  We know that it happened for sure!  On the flip side, living out our futures gratefully, we are practicing faith in the truest form, and believing in the unseen.  We don’t know how it’s going to happen, but we know the outcome, because we feel confident enough to be grateful for the “unknown”.

So, let us write in gratitude, as Klauser points out.  Let’s be thankful before the act has occurred.  Let us know the outcome.  As far as I am concerned, it seems the only time I receive in abundance is when I am grateful for the unknown.

Write it down, be grateful, make it happen.

Peace and Peace.

The "New" Beginning

Since reading, Write it Down, Make it Happen, by Henriette Anne Klauser, I have been determined to change my life.  It just so happens that an insurmountable heap of obstacles have presented themselves to my life in a seemingly personal way.  As a warrior, I have now decided to confront my life's demons, and embrace them as a necessary part of my journey. 

Klauser has many astute points in her book, but the most poignant and obvious is how powerful writing truly is.  So, in celebration of a new reality, my writing will serve as the newest addition to my fellowship with my Creator.  I vow to make the next step of my life in total faith, and I vow to be a friend to anyone in need.

Keep in mind: this blog will be at times long winded, and at other times, still...but that is the balance of life.  There will be testimonials, comedy, and a hodgepodge of life experiences layed across this backdrop.  With that said, it takes a truly open mind to receive the information I will present in this blog.

I will be as open as is humanly possible to all of you and your testimonials.  Don't be shy!  I want to read your testimonials.  It drives me spiritually.  Don't be embarrassed, either - the truth is the truth, and it "truly" sets you free.  So, write at free will... I promise I won't judge you (I can't say the same for anyone else)!

I must also add...I don't believe in a separatist God.  I believe in God.  In various languages, the term "God" is given many names.  I want you to know that I FULLY respect the individual thinker, and the REALITY that some of us don't call "him" God, nor do some of us assign a gender to this divine spirit.  If you join me in my journey, I ask that you respect every one's right to their own interpretation of "God," and understand that I am referring to God in the way I know how.

I also ask that you remain open to one fundamental truth in life: not a single one of us has chosen to be here.  Not a single one of us has chosen (consciously) to be born to the parents, religion, race, creed, gender, or social status that we have learned as reality.  With that realization must come the level of respect to understand that each of us has our own lives, and can only find our way out of our personal "hell" by dealing with that life.  None of us can be expected to understand any other life but our own.  Testimonials are a means of unifying us, through which we gain insight into the other individual, and embrace the commonalities we share.

I love you all equally, and I realize we may not all agree.  I also realize many have far underestimated their position in their spiritual journey, and for that, are not capable of deciphering my words.  They may perceive them as confusing, hypocritical, or contradictory.  They may respond in negativity.  I welcome all of it as part of the greater journey...having to go through the dark to see the light.  I will work my hardest to see through such levels of negativity and to embrace each person fully.

Now, let me leave you with this promise:  I will write from my heart.  I will do my best.  I will articulate myself with a simplicity designed to help us ALL understand life's many lessons, no matter what our background.  And I will do this all through testimony, research, and most of all, Pure Faith.

Thank you for taking the time to share life with me, and I thank God in advance for helping others sort through the spiritual language barrier to see my intent (and not my words).

Peace and Peace.