Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Grace in the Courtroom: How to Pick YourSELF Up from Darkness
Whenever we’re down, or at least, whenever I’m down, I usually want comfort, but not advice. When I really think about it, other people’s advice is like loud noise, whereas comfort is like pure silence. The sadness I experience in life is sometimes so loud, that I just want people to listen, and the act of listening comforts me. When people give their advice, sometimes, I realize how little they know about me, and the advice rarely “hits the mark.” Either way, when I include other people’s judgment into the equation, I rarely feel fully satisfied. At those times, I realize being alone with God is key to my healing.
The other day, I had a moment where I felt truly alone. I wanted advice, but I knew I may not have the strength to follow the potential advice that was given. So, as an instinctive “Cancer” move, I ran. I ran to
, and I sat for four hours – alone. An hour later, I walked for three hours – alone again. It appeared that in all that silence, I wouldn’t be able to hear a thing, but the reality was, because I was alone, I could hear everything. Riverside Park
I realized we rarely force ourselves (albeit a blanketed observation) to be alone and think. What “being alone” and “thinking” truly does, is allows God’s energy take over. Since there isn’t the confusion of advice that is ill-suited for our individual journey, we can actually hear clearly to apply directions specifically.
It’s not that some miraculous booming voice-over comes from the swathing clouds, but really, our own opinion begins to count for something. We actually ask ourselves questions, and give ourselves a chance to answer. What we realize is that we become our own courtroom; Our own judge. We play out all sides of the story, because we are desperate to find some semblance of truth within our misery. We have an unyielding need to find an answer that helps us get over the pain. And what we find is we do come to a conclusion – if we allow ourselves the grace to forgive ourselves.
When we sit alone, we have to find a way to deal with our situation, so that we do not come back to it broken. We frantically want an answer, but are not patient or affable enough to simply let go, and forgive ourselves. Of what do we need to forgive ourselves? We need to forgive ourselves for being who we are in that moment. We are in darkness because we have acted in a certain way, but have regret, anger, pity, or a slew of false emotions that we use to punish ourselves for behaving in that way. And, in a last ditch effort to find the answer (judgment) or to find the guilty party (us or the other person/situation with whom we have interacted), we flee, hoping to find out where to place the blame.
Ultimately, the judge is God, and in the moment of silence, we represent that judge. The main time we are given allowance to judge is when we are alone! This is because the only voice in our head besides our own is God’s voice, and so, by virtue of process of elimination, we are the judge of ourselves! And because we are the judge, we can opt to both forgive our self and the other person. Very rarely does one sit alone and come back broken…as long as the individual gives their self a fair chance and sufficient time to come to a conclusion.
So, as I go out into the world, I have made this vow: When in true doubt or despair, I must go be alone in my courtroom. I must play out the plaintiff’s and the defendant’s sides equally, and I must give my court a fair amount of time to decide the verdict. I realize in a real court of law, the jury may deliberate for months…so, for as long as it takes for that particular case, I will treat it as a real court of law. When I come to my verdict, it shall be fair, and most of all, gracious!
WE will come out victors, because in this court, even the “guilty” are given a chance to be treated fairly.
Peace and Peace.