Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Grace in the Courtroom: How to Pick YourSELF Up from Darkness

Whenever we’re down, or at least, whenever I’m down, I usually want comfort, but not advice.  When I really think about it, other people’s advice is like loud noise, whereas comfort is like pure silence.  The sadness I experience in life is sometimes so loud, that I just want people to listen, and the act of listening comforts me.  When people give their advice, sometimes, I realize how little they know about me, and the advice rarely “hits the mark.”  Either way, when I include other people’s judgment into the equation, I rarely feel fully satisfied.  At those times, I realize being alone with God is key to my healing.

The other day, I had a moment where I felt truly alone.  I wanted advice, but I knew I may not have the strength to follow the potential advice that was given.  So, as an instinctive “Cancer” move, I ran.  I ran to Riverside Park, and I sat for four hours – alone.   An hour later, I walked for three hours – alone again.  It appeared that in all that silence, I wouldn’t be able to hear a thing, but the reality was, because I was alone, I could hear everything.

I realized we rarely force ourselves (albeit a blanketed observation) to be alone and think.  What “being alone” and “thinking” truly does, is allows God’s energy take over.  Since there isn’t the confusion of advice that is ill-suited for our individual journey, we can actually hear clearly to apply directions specifically.

It’s not that some miraculous booming voice-over comes from the swathing clouds, but really, our own opinion begins to count for something.  We actually ask ourselves questions, and give ourselves a chance to answer.  What we realize is that we become our own courtroom; Our own judge.  We play out all sides of the story, because we are desperate to find some semblance of truth within our misery.  We have an unyielding need to find an answer that helps us get over the pain.  And what we find is we do come to a conclusion – if we allow ourselves the grace to forgive ourselves. 

When we sit alone, we have to find a way to deal with our situation, so that we do not come back to it broken.  We frantically want an answer, but are not patient or affable enough to simply let go, and forgive ourselves.  Of what do we need to forgive ourselves?  We need to forgive ourselves for being who we are in that moment.  We are in darkness because we have acted in a certain way, but have regret, anger, pity, or a slew of false emotions that we use to punish ourselves for behaving in that way.  And, in a last ditch effort to find the answer (judgment) or to find the guilty party (us or the other person/situation with whom we have interacted), we flee, hoping to find out where to place the blame.

Ultimately, the judge is God, and in the moment of silence, we represent that judge.  The main time we are given allowance to judge is when we are alone!  This is because the only voice in our head besides our own is God’s voice, and so, by virtue of process of elimination, we are the judge of ourselves!  And because we are the judge, we can opt to both forgive our self and the other person.  Very rarely does one sit alone and come back broken…as long as the individual gives their self a fair chance and sufficient time to come to a conclusion.

So, as I go out into the world, I have made this vow:  When in true doubt or despair, I must go be alone in my courtroom.  I must play out the plaintiff’s and the defendant’s sides equally, and I must give my court a fair amount of time to decide the verdict.  I realize in a real court of law, the jury may deliberate for months…so, for as long as it takes for that particular case, I will treat it as a real court of law.  When I come to my verdict, it shall be fair, and most of all, gracious! 

WE will come out victors, because in this court, even the “guilty” are given a chance to be treated fairly. 

Peace and Peace.


  1. def understand where you're coming from..glad i'm not the only one who thinks this way..the other day i was going through some things and a friend asked whats wrong..and i refused to talk to her or any one..i spent the day alone and realized i put myself in this siutaion and if i really wanted to get out of it I have to be the one to do it.. I have to make the changes!

  2. thank you. i was/am having a hard time getting over a bad break up (better now but not completely over it) and when you said "We need to forgive ourselves for being who we are in that moment. We are in darkness because we have acted in a certain way, but have regret, anger, pity, or a slew of false emotions that we use to punish ourselves for behaving in that way." now i realize i can stop regretting and blaming myself because i didn't know any better... now i feel better because now that i do know, i have to power to prevent it from happening again. anyway thanks. (miss your vids)

  3. those who believe, and whose hearts find their rest in the remembrance of God - for, verily, in the remembrance of God [men's] hearts do find their rest (13:28)

  4. Your thoughts are so truly appreciated. I'd love to steal some alone time. I am overly exhausted in demands that need what they need last year. I need to stop though and rest and be alone but the world is pressuring me. Kids, husband, job, grad school...I just want to stop everything right now and listen to GOD speak to me.

  5. By the way, listening to you really gives me that glimpse of fresh air amidst the darkness. Thanks

  6. I've had this same deep and profound NEED to run and go be alone. For me, it is going to a forest and farm full of animals, no matter how late it is. I just couldn't shake the feeling, even when I recognized that it didn't belong to me, and I needed to go someplace where I could just BE.

  7. this is so true. i just experienced someone who doesnt understand me that well last night & it was frustrating bc they kept pushing their opinion although i continuously expressed that i disagree & that the tasks were unimportant to me. i just wanted them to listen.

  8. i was born to no life i never iknew how to live and i had breakdowns but for over to years i was dead no hope just hell i had complete horror i tryed to myself and was homicidal i lost reality i felt demons i had to go thru it im getting better but im still go back to it im not insane but im only have god i feel so trapped and i put tattoo free mind free yourself ,, im trying i cant function i just wan to be out of society and have a dog i never really care for fancy things or jewelry i want peace i trust nobody but god i cant hate anymore i have no one to turn to its a game or joke but imstruggling i have faith in god but if thats gone im gone . thanks chrissy