Saturday, October 30, 2010
Let me start this blog post informally: “Ya’ll, all I can say is, ‘WOW’!”
The aforementioned saidJ, I really wanted to dedicate this post to my creator. I have been literally dying to be reborn. Day in and out, I had been praying, crying, and quite frankly, confused.
There was once a time when I knew who I was. I had to find myself after an abusive relationship and a rocky suburban scholastic adventure. I had to be alone and new, because my ex-abuser owned the rights to my soul. He would strip me of all that I could have possibly cherished about myself…so I felt. The truth was, I just didn’t know or love myself enough to fight for myself, and I became an enabler. And, although the point of this particular post is not to victimize myself, or even to mention this situation, it was crucial that all of me was destroyed, so that I could start over and find the girl who was underneath the rubble.
When I say I “found myself,” I am merely referring to the idea that one has a true nature, and that one does not know it in the midst of the worldly and outwardly influences (most often), yet, I forced myself to go against those influences. I did this little by little. First, I dispelled any myths I learned in this abusive relationship. Next, I didn’t allow any relationship into my life that was not healthy. I “found” that I liked who I was naturally, and that my personal salvation was more important than anything else. So, I did what “found” soul would do – I moved to
and went for “mine.” J New York
For nearly four years now, I have been pulled, pushed, and beaten by a “friggin’” apple! Without getting into detail, my hiatus (or many hiatuses), was caused by this world of confusion. And even though I knew who I was, it knocked me down. I became more confused. I didn’t understand how I could be so confused after all that triumph. I found my soul mate. I found my perfect city. I found the perfect “profession.” “Why, me, God?” I would ask.
I lived in darkness for a long time. I cried a lot more than I did even when abused. I wanted to die every day. Yet, I prayed so hard to get Shira back. “Why, God, can’t you just give me peace? If that is all I want, why can’t I have it? Did I really know Shira, or was she a lie?” The answer to all these questions was simple: I had all the answers.
I knew this in my heart. In a way that cannot be articulated, I just knew. I knew I had found myself once, and I also knew that I was stuck, and needed something else to move. I knew that I needed to let go of my mind. In other words, I needed to let the apple envelop me, and kill me. But I was afraid to die.
***Informal Moment Alert***
Ya’ll, who wants to die? It’s scary to die! But we ain’t afraid to die spiritually, we are afraid to die physically! I realized that I was afraid to die spiritually! And I realize all this is really figurative and abstract, but try to stay with me here. I had gone beyond my physical body. I got so beat up in my mind with all the sadness I experienced, that I didn’t care about my physical self. I was actually concerned with my mental (i.e. spiritual) self. Then, the epiphany came!
***Back to the Blog***
I had to let myself die spiritually, so that I would not be afraid of death…in any sense. The real death that we experience physically is so fake! I mean, it is truly an illusion. We aren’t imprisoned in this body – we are imprisoned in our mind! Are we afraid to get our face sliced open and feel the pain? Sure….but I’d be willing to bet we are much more afraid of being “hurt” by another human being. Why is that? Because the mind is where the pain is! The lasting, eternal, formidable pain is in the mind!
I then asked for this “presence” of which is often spoken. The Buddha, The Christ, and many other spiritual leaders to this date speak of “presence” as the gateway to peace, love, and joy.
At the time of my spiritual breakdown, I needed that. I wanted it. And I asked relentlessly for it. I knew (again, in that unarticulated way) that it was the true key. For me, at least, I had battled in every other fight. I just needed that piece. So, I went to my hypnotherapist.
I’d gone to this lady (Mary Casaba) twice before, and somehow, she unlocked my mind from two unhealthy relationships. I thought, surely, she’d get me this presence for which I yearned. And I waited.
About a month later, I found myself in the hospital. I had anxiety so bad I literally did not sleep. And, as many viewers know, my hair had been falling out. I will elaborate upon this later, but basically, I left my spiritual self there, and after that, I was reborn! I had died! I let myself die, finally! I did it!
I don’t know how everyone else does it, but as the saying goes in the “hood,” “Do what you got to do,” or, as the late Malcolm X would say, “By any means necessary.” And, thank you, God, I got my self back, I am present, and, the only word to articulate my presence, is, “WOW!”
My relationship with “Babydaddy” is on some whole “next level you can’t understand it only he and I have this crazy connection but we can’t even explain it” type of deal, simply because I am present. Wow. I will get onto this subject on my videos much later, but I really want this for all of humanity, because, now, I realize my bond with the other beings of life, and we all deserve this feeling.
Get your own back. Take care of yourSELF. You will find eventually the want for only the spiritual world. I no longer want fame. I don’t seek money. I don’t even ask for anything, but I just get it. It is something that can only be described as… WOW. Follow your inner guide…it is God speaking to you. And resist as you may, if you seek it, you will one day just let the death happen, and you will be so grateful. I love you, and if any way I can assist you in your journey, I totally will J
Peace and Peace.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Lately, I’d been trying to stay afloat in life, feeling like I was constantly drowning. All of a sudden, I had an epiphany, or, as Oprah says, an “Aha!” moment. What if I am not meant to stay afloat at all? What if I’m supposed to drown? As these thoughts came to me, the quickest analogy upon which I became fixated was that of two mountains and a valley.
We are born “at the top” of one mountain. Think of the top of a mountain as your being at your freest, happiest, and most peaceful. What is the primary goal in life? Getting to the top of the other mountain. When we are born, we are fully at peace, and fully innocent. We know not of war, fear, or pain. Perhaps we know of physical pain, but at that time, it is transient at best. At this age, time is insignificant, and we have no choices – Not when we are born, not what we can eat, not which religion of which we are a part – NOTHING is a choice at this point. So how do we get to the top of the next mountain?
Unfortunately, we very quickly begin learning what we are taught – our language, our religion, and even our personality. We have to learn, because otherwise, we’d be put out! Many of us learn abuse. Whether we want to or not, remember, we do not choose. So, automatically, we begin our descent down the first mountain. And, we do not go quietly, might I add. We go with resistance, because it is only natural to stay on top of our mountain…in fact, we are pushed off the mountain! Once we are pushed (by society and family), we fall. And as we fall, we resist, but, since we are already falling, we can do nothing about it.
Society teaches us that we should be on top of a mountain, but what it forgets all too often, is that it pushes us off in the first place! So if we should be on top of the mountain, then we should know how to get onto the next one after we fall (technically speaking). Resistance to this free fall makes us fall longer, and hit the valley between the two even harder.
Think of the valley as “rock bottom” – this is the place referred to with many drug counselors for addicts, but it applies to everyone. The truth is everyone has a rock bottom, because everyone is pushed. It is only the enlightened of us who realize what their rock bottom is, and the ascended of us who decide to climb the next mountain.
Many are too naïve to realize that there is a rock bottom, and lie too much to themselves to realize when they’ve hit it. This is not a verbal attack on anyone, nor is it an “I’m better than anyone” approach. But I must say, I’ve been blessed to hit rock bottom! The reality is, finally, I stopped resisting the fall, and realized that if I want to get to the top, I’ve got to fall!
I think this allowance to fall is a bit of a misleading situation, because it is often perceived as an act of “patience” or “obedience.” I really believe that falling willfully is neither patience nor obedience, but simply, truth. Truth means understanding that there is nothing wrong with the fall, even though society leads one to believe otherwise. And, the reality is, that the only ones who are truly “crazy” or “abnormal” believe they should stay on top of the first mountain, with nothing to gain. They may not even realize there is another mountain. They do this not because they live in their truth, but in society’s lies. All of this is a way of holding society back from the eventual realization that trial and tribulation is perfectly normal, and falling is what happens as a result. Getting to the top of the second mountain is just as difficult as falling, though.
Climbing an actual mountain takes skill. It takes practice and agility. No one can climb a mountain from scratch. Everyone has to do a practice run at the very least. Here’s the clincher – if one gives up too easily at this climb, then one falls back, unwillingly, to rock bottom. Only the enlightened thinker realizes that like any other obstacle, practice and preparation is needed, and without either, falling is inevitable (again and again). To reach the top, one must practice, and realize that practice makes perfect.
I have hit rock bottom. I know my truth. I have fallen back many times. But I have awakened, and I realize that my muscles are getting stronger. I know the course now. I have begun so many times to climb the second mountain it is only a matter of time before I master it. I have to choose to master it, and furthermore, I have to realize with resistance comes a difficult fall. And one cannot get up from a difficult fall and expect to be strong enough to complete the course without enlightenment.
So, I say to you all, the way I have to tell myself: Fall if you are falling. And keep climbing if you are already climbing. But climb with the knowledge that you may fall. And fall with the knowledge that you should “fall if you are falling,” and are free to climb after you fall. These are the tools needed to succeed. Let’s not try staying afloat this time if we are sinking. Sinking is a part of the process, and without it, we’d be perfect. But in an imperfect world, what do we have to gain if we are already perfect? Nothing. So let us fall with the knowledge that it is not only okay, but necessary in earning our right to eventual perfection. We will ascend. We will reach the top of the next mountain.
Peace and Peace.