Saturday, October 30, 2010
“WOW”! Presence at Last (And Lots of Informality and Smiles)
Let me start this blog post informally: “Ya’ll, all I can say is, ‘WOW’!”
The aforementioned saidJ, I really wanted to dedicate this post to my creator. I have been literally dying to be reborn. Day in and out, I had been praying, crying, and quite frankly, confused.
There was once a time when I knew who I was. I had to find myself after an abusive relationship and a rocky suburban scholastic adventure. I had to be alone and new, because my ex-abuser owned the rights to my soul. He would strip me of all that I could have possibly cherished about myself…so I felt. The truth was, I just didn’t know or love myself enough to fight for myself, and I became an enabler. And, although the point of this particular post is not to victimize myself, or even to mention this situation, it was crucial that all of me was destroyed, so that I could start over and find the girl who was underneath the rubble.
When I say I “found myself,” I am merely referring to the idea that one has a true nature, and that one does not know it in the midst of the worldly and outwardly influences (most often), yet, I forced myself to go against those influences. I did this little by little. First, I dispelled any myths I learned in this abusive relationship. Next, I didn’t allow any relationship into my life that was not healthy. I “found” that I liked who I was naturally, and that my personal salvation was more important than anything else. So, I did what “found” soul would do – I moved to
and went for “mine.” J New York
For nearly four years now, I have been pulled, pushed, and beaten by a “friggin’” apple! Without getting into detail, my hiatus (or many hiatuses), was caused by this world of confusion. And even though I knew who I was, it knocked me down. I became more confused. I didn’t understand how I could be so confused after all that triumph. I found my soul mate. I found my perfect city. I found the perfect “profession.” “Why, me, God?” I would ask.
I lived in darkness for a long time. I cried a lot more than I did even when abused. I wanted to die every day. Yet, I prayed so hard to get Shira back. “Why, God, can’t you just give me peace? If that is all I want, why can’t I have it? Did I really know Shira, or was she a lie?” The answer to all these questions was simple: I had all the answers.
I knew this in my heart. In a way that cannot be articulated, I just knew. I knew I had found myself once, and I also knew that I was stuck, and needed something else to move. I knew that I needed to let go of my mind. In other words, I needed to let the apple envelop me, and kill me. But I was afraid to die.
***Informal Moment Alert***
Ya’ll, who wants to die? It’s scary to die! But we ain’t afraid to die spiritually, we are afraid to die physically! I realized that I was afraid to die spiritually! And I realize all this is really figurative and abstract, but try to stay with me here. I had gone beyond my physical body. I got so beat up in my mind with all the sadness I experienced, that I didn’t care about my physical self. I was actually concerned with my mental (i.e. spiritual) self. Then, the epiphany came!
***Back to the Blog***
I had to let myself die spiritually, so that I would not be afraid of death…in any sense. The real death that we experience physically is so fake! I mean, it is truly an illusion. We aren’t imprisoned in this body – we are imprisoned in our mind! Are we afraid to get our face sliced open and feel the pain? Sure….but I’d be willing to bet we are much more afraid of being “hurt” by another human being. Why is that? Because the mind is where the pain is! The lasting, eternal, formidable pain is in the mind!
I then asked for this “presence” of which is often spoken. The Buddha, The Christ, and many other spiritual leaders to this date speak of “presence” as the gateway to peace, love, and joy.
At the time of my spiritual breakdown, I needed that. I wanted it. And I asked relentlessly for it. I knew (again, in that unarticulated way) that it was the true key. For me, at least, I had battled in every other fight. I just needed that piece. So, I went to my hypnotherapist.
I’d gone to this lady (Mary Casaba) twice before, and somehow, she unlocked my mind from two unhealthy relationships. I thought, surely, she’d get me this presence for which I yearned. And I waited.
About a month later, I found myself in the hospital. I had anxiety so bad I literally did not sleep. And, as many viewers know, my hair had been falling out. I will elaborate upon this later, but basically, I left my spiritual self there, and after that, I was reborn! I had died! I let myself die, finally! I did it!
I don’t know how everyone else does it, but as the saying goes in the “hood,” “Do what you got to do,” or, as the late Malcolm X would say, “By any means necessary.” And, thank you, God, I got my self back, I am present, and, the only word to articulate my presence, is, “WOW!”
My relationship with “Babydaddy” is on some whole “next level you can’t understand it only he and I have this crazy connection but we can’t even explain it” type of deal, simply because I am present. Wow. I will get onto this subject on my videos much later, but I really want this for all of humanity, because, now, I realize my bond with the other beings of life, and we all deserve this feeling.
Get your own back. Take care of yourSELF. You will find eventually the want for only the spiritual world. I no longer want fame. I don’t seek money. I don’t even ask for anything, but I just get it. It is something that can only be described as… WOW. Follow your inner guide…it is God speaking to you. And resist as you may, if you seek it, you will one day just let the death happen, and you will be so grateful. I love you, and if any way I can assist you in your journey, I totally will J
Peace and Peace.